guinea pig

I always find myself wanting to start every Vox entry with the line, "I wasn't going to post this but.." because frankly the only time I write here is when I'm distraught, bored, or distraught. And a Twitter entry cannot fully capture how angry I am right now.

Boyfriend wanted to rent Hostel, which I've already seen but he hasn't, so I figured we might as well rent Saw because I hadn't seen it and never watched the sequels because I'm OCD about watching sequels without having watched the first one. We decided to watch Saw first which was a horrible but awesome idea.

Can I just tell you that I in no way, shape, or form understand why anyone in this world likes Saw, or why it bothered spinning off (contracts have been signed) FIVE movies? The first movie is one big cock tease with less structure than the original Ju-on movies (Grudge movies). Let's write a whole bunch of flashbacks with maybe only one or two killing scenes that are edited in spinning camera, fast motion that gives Grace a headache/nausea. Then let's string together a whole bunch of useless shit and long dialogue. Maybe I'm angry because I was expecting more foot-cutting-off'ing, or more gorey traps, or more length spent covering those gorey traps. Maybe you'll tell me, "Grace, you're such a plebeian because it's all about the idea of what you would do if you were in that situation." If I wanted that sort of rubbish, I would watch Fear Factor or some other crap, because when I watch a movie, I want satisfaction. And when I watch a horror movie, I want a body count, I want gore, I want to feel uncomfortable but mostly I want to laugh.

The minute I turned on the DVD, I started fast-forwarding through the lengths and lengths of monologues. The minute I saw Danny Glover, maybe I should have realised that the movie was going to be horrible and not what I wanted. Maybe when I realised that the guy from Princess Bride lost his chin cleft and got deliciously fat, I should have stopped watching. And maybe after the rubbish part about the drug addict girl fixing her life because she had to kill a man to get a key should have been the time I just threw my arms up and switched to Hostel.

Either way, I lost forty-five minutes (thanks fast-forward button) of my life to that rubbish. Yes, Princess Bride guy cuts his foot off, but it's like, five minutes til the end and it's not even that interesting. And the effects are so lousy, you can tell he still has his foot under his long, fake blood saturated trouser leg. I hated the two characters trapped in the room, and I don't want to hate the guy from Princess Bride. Thanks for ruining that for me you stupid Australians. The idiotic Adam character doesn't even die on screen. He gets locked in a room to rot, how boring. I was not scared or thrilled or intrigued. I don't even care who Jig-saw is, because he has colon cancer and a brain tumor, that's not even the most interesting cancer you can have.

I can't even compare Hostel to Saw, because it's like really delicious oranges compared to rotten apples, but no maggots coming out because that would be too satisfying. The first time I saw Hostel in the theater, my face hurt from laughing so much. It's such a good time. And upon further viewings, it's still good and hilarious. If anything, you appreciate it more because some movies just lose their enjoyment after you know what's going to happen. I know that guy is going to get his tendons cut, but it's still funny when he gets up to try and leave and his ankle rips open. I know that other guy is going to get his fingers cut off, but I still think it's funny when he goes back to get them. And while I hate Takashi Miike's movies (rofl Great Yokai War), I think his cameo is so horrible and cute. "Be careful. You could spend all your money... in there."

Anyway, my rage has subsided and I'm distracted so whatever. Go watch Hostel and laugh your head off. Sure, Danny Glover doesn't get shot and that Asian guy from LOST who can talk to ghosts doesn't get his head blown off by a rifle (which you're not shown in the movie, which angered me deeply), but a British Chinese girl playing a Japanese girl loses an eye and there are tons of fake boobs and the ending will please you.